the time has come

It was time to let go, and i knew it.
Yeah, it was u, isn't ? You are telling me to let go, i am really sorry to let u suffered. i sincerely apologies to you.
sorry too, to use you when i am lonely.
Even for my stubborn lies i am sorry, thankyou for pulling me ahead to help me stand again and my sis thanks a lot.

Thanks for the joy u brought me. these are memory cant be taken away.
thanks for ur performance, i really enjoy it a lot!! you just ROCkXXX haha^^

why waiting??

why although i knew that is wasting time i am still waiting?
I already have the best of all, i know that with him i will alive,feeling satisfy and not thirst anymore
But why i still feel so empty and lonely.?
why? what am i waiting?

God Please take me with you, please dont abandon me.

dying vivi

died of ulitimate boredem,laziness, and loneliness ............................................................................................................................................................................ piang piang paing dead.

humble self or low esteem?

Why do i give up that easily? i do not know but just feeling do not wanna see sad faces, arguement. I am to afraid to disappoint others. I do not like people have high expectation towards me but i do not like people or people disbelief my ability either. It seem doubtful to me . well a i smart or dumb? Sometimes i am really afraid to admit i am good at something because i do not want people to have expectation towards me and figured out actually i am not good enough. Or there is time that i am too frighten to be fail that i rather act or say that i dont know anything and refuse to accept the task given. I feel better that way by acting cowardly and childish. At the end i just refuse to do anything and so it just left an empty shell to myself knowing nothing.
Do i hate myself?
No, certainly not just love myself too much that i scare to fall and forgotten how to walk but kept relying on the wheel chair.
Is just like an ostich try to hide herself out of the hunter sight by blinding herself ( how dumb? )
However i just hope i love myself a little more by willing to stand up by my own to walk.

My dream

a dream
i think it is sort of improtant but my memory was blurred. i just remember that is a white n bright place i m alone with a person. where am i? i am embrace tightly by someone important but i cant remember. we had a long conversation and i am crying in his arms , he told me something really important ,and i think i made a promise to him too but i just couldn't remember even i tried so hard. i dunno i really hope to remember. In the dream it was so cleared that i heard his voice, so soft and weak.i followed so closely to his word, his temperature and and his shivering voice. i think he was sobbing too , i cant see because i am in his arms. i wanted to remember this feeling. how dumb am i to forget such important thing.... pls can i have a chance to hear u again.

i just barely remember 1 word, "released"

but how could i? how could i?

my ielts exam

OMG!! Geezz i seriously do not know how i did. n i dun care anymore. i just got haywire today.
i am soso concentrated n extra anxious too >.< , the examiner somemore pressure us zzz. 1st in my listening still ok, but i miss few answer blek :( . worst is when i transfer my answer i copied wrongly nia >.< too gan jiong (shock no.1)
2nd in my reading the examiner mispronounce 40 min to 14 min, i really got frustrated cause i m still in the 1st passage and she is telling us left 14 min???( shock 2) gosh... u know ur brain cant function well n go n consider how long have pass, scaryyy
writing i guess is easier than i though but i din really write well, my brain got to much shock liao, unable to think delibrately , and remembering nice phrases sigh.
the whole morning is just about having a race with time.. rush rush rush!
At last the examiner really funny la she mispronounce envelop again to enviloop damn funny. and she even keep stressing on it haha.

Believe in god or placebo??

I really do not know is that trust in god or is just a placebo effect??
Many people claim is placebo, if you believe and you will have what you wanted.
However there are many people with big houses, fabulous car , pretty wife and being rich but
somehow they feel uncontented.

So to me believing in god is not simply just placebo. It was much more than that .I felt the presents of him,his love, his care, his everything
He may grant things you want or hope for sometimes, but not always.
Because he eventually did better than that, he give you more than you wanted more than you expected.
He might not giving what you want in the moment but what you needed most and the best for you!! even if you have not ask. He might be the parasite in you, a lovely one, who always hear you, he just know what you wanted most in deep.^^

That is why i am in love to him so much . i love you Jesus. muackzz

The alive zombie

The night is so cold, so dark that i couldn't see my fingers, and it is so quiet that the blow of winds is the only sound to be heard. There were 4 walls here and a small hole that allow few molecules of air to enter, i touch nothing to grip on. I am findings ways to escape, but there is no place to run and banging into the same walls was not helping to get a way out. In instant i can feel the impact, it was so great that it bounds back quick to my flesh and crushed my ribs.I shouted so hard as if my thoracic cavity was collapsing, my eardrum was vibrating fast at ultrasonic speed from the echo collected. There is still no respond from the outside after X trials.
I am exhausted to continue so i lied down on the freezing floor and respire rapidly to grasping for the limited air with oxygen barely filled. I am hungry asnd thirsty too, what was so great that can fulfil my starvation? No one else was here, i was left alone. That is nothing , nothing left... why is it living as dying? Am i dead?

What is that?
There is that is a sign of my skin burning and needle penetrating through my eyes when there is something shines on me.Shines? A ray of light shinning on me? The dawn breaks again for me? A great delight warms my heart again. The curtains was held up, i was awaken by the same sweet voice i missed a lot. The sweetness of the voice can really bring a person to diebatic almost in second and i am addicted to it so much that i cant live without it. Inhale deep again,i felt new hope, freedom and life all back into my hands.